Of course not, I never wished or dreamt to be a single mom. Like most women who wants to be a mom, they would also want to be a wife and to have a partner to be with them until the end of their days.

This afternoon, I received another slew of hate texts from you-know-who. All the while, when Sky and I were having a grand time at a volunteering event. I saw the first two text messages, and deleted the rest without reading them – because I don’t want to ruin OUR DAY.

The busyness of the afternoon and early evening made me soon forget about his texts. As I was driving home though, I started feeling that anger well up inside me again.

And I made a mental note that I will blog about it, and channel the anger somewhere else AWAY where my son and I will not get affected.

Because even if Sky is just 5 years old, he KNOWS when something is up with me.

So, let me tell you why I left my husband that fateful day of July 31, 2010.

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I had a fever on the morning of July 10th of 2010. Sky was coming down with a fever himself too. I went down in the kitchen and saw some hot water and coffee – and started to fix myself some, since I wasn’t feeling good. And when you’re sick, you can’t think that straight that much.

“You know, you should drink Calamansi instead of that…” I hear him say.

“So, why don’t you make me some?!!!”

Something ticked that day, and I just went bezerk. I literally went crazy.

It was years and years of anger bottled up inside that I started screaming like a banshee and at one point, I even tried to kill him.

My anger was filled to the brim that day, and even after sleeping it off that night.

I knew that something is very, very wrong.

I have always been free-spirited and fun loving.

But in a span of two to three years, I DIDN’T KNOW WHO I WAS ANYMORE.

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He knew me as talkative and loud and he even relied on me at times when he doesn’t feel like talking to strangers, because talking and being a warm person was one of my traits that my husband said that he was attracted to.

I am warm.

I am talkative.

I am easy going.

Then, I don’t know what happened but he started to criticize me for being ME.

Yes, I like saying things just to make conversation because there are times that I don’t like the awkwardness of silence sometimes – and I say LAME THINGS SOMETIMES.

After going out with friends, HE would always have something to say on what I said during our chat times with friends. It became ALL THE TIME, that eventually I SHUT MYSELF UP and became quiet.

Because I was scared that anything I say will be criticized again.

A part of myself died when I started to become QUIET.

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We got married in Batanes, WITHOUT ANY FAMILY. It was a natural thing for my parents and my sisters to get hurt right? My sister and my parents were angry at US AT THAT TIME for getting married without them.

I am the youngest girl in our family.

I was always the maid of honor in both of my sisters wedding. I made sure both their weddings went smoothly. And I know that they just wanted to do the same for me.

That’s why they were angry.

And my husband never got over that anger, and never tried to get to know them and my family never had a chance to get to know his awesome side. Yes, he has an awesome side that I would want to show off, but never had the chance to, since he dislikes being with me and the family where I CAME FROM.

I grew up in an imperfect family. We like to shout and scream and hang out A LOT despite our differences. We cannot change the family that we were born in, right? My parents may not be as refined as some other folks there, but I KNOW THAT THEY RAISED US THE BEST WAY THEY KNOW HOW.

And I am so glad that they are my folks and my siblings are MY SIBLINGS.

When a holiday or a birthday comes up, I pray that it will NOT BE HIS DAY OFF. You know why? Because I am not allowed to go to my Papa’s birthday or go visit them on New Year when its his day off.

When its his day off, it doesn’t matter if it was my own mother’s birthday. I am not allowed to celebrate it with them because we have to stay home together, because it’s his day off.

It’s not like we’re going to ride a plane, it’s just an hour or two drive within Metro Manila.

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It has come to a point that every time I woke up in the morning, I sincerely prayed that I WON’T DO ANYTHING THAT HE DISLIKED. Otherwise, I he won’t speak or acknowledge me for three days or up to a couple of weeks. He would talk to Ate Ging and pretend that I DON’T EXIST when I do something that HE SIMPLE DOESN’T LIKE.

I was walking on eggshells most of the time.

I don’t entirely blame him with our marriage breaking apart.

I wished that I was more in tuned with his needs when he came home from a tiring flight.

I wish that I didn’t let his emotions control me, instead of clamming up in the corner just to be a good wife.

I wish I didn’t retort or explode whenever I get the silent treatment or whenever he says something not nice about my parents and siblings.

NO, I didn’t wish to BE A SINGLE MOTHER. I just became one, even when we were still together.

How many parties and reunions have I attended with my husband? ONE.

The other times, I was always alone – even on times that it was his day off and he let me go with Sky, times which is as rare as a four leaf clover.

I never go to show off my husband around, simply because he doesn’t want to. Only ONE of my friends had a chance to know him well.

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There were two choices I had to make that day, stay with him and stay miserable. Or leave, and try to find happiness without him?

It is hard to fully function as a mother of the house, if the father wants to BE BOTH THE PILLAR and THE LIGHT of the family.

Last week, after his slew of angry and hate texts. I still asked him: “CAN WE TALK and RECONCILE?”

From which I get: WHY SHOULD I RECONCILE WITH A B*TCH LIKE YOU?

And you know what’s funny? I still pray that one day he would STILL CHOOSE TO BE PART OF SKY’s LIFE, even if he hates my guts.

As for me, I hope that this is my last post written in anger and sadness to him. I look forward to that day, when I don’t have to cry every time I write about him.